


Ode to Sleep

by f_lero



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Nogitsune Trauma, Post-Nogitsune, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 10:54:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5537264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/f_lero/pseuds/f_lero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sort of canon divergent after De-Void. Stiles is not coping well with everything that happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ode to Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> I've felt Jeff hasn't dealt with post-Nogitsune!Stiles well enough, I've felt like it should've had, must've had more of an effect on him that what's been implied on the show. So, I wrote a thing.
> 
> Also, the title was stolen from a Twenty One Pilots song by the same name. It's kind of funny though, I was trying to decide on a title, wanted to go for 21p and suddenly realized how well that song actually fits post-Nogitsune!Stiles. Well, at least my headcanon of it.
> 
> If you wanna go listen to it before/after reading this, here's a link.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OnO3UXFZdE

It’s 3am, and Stiles can’t sleep.

To be honest, he doesn’t remember the last time he _really_ slept.

It’s been three months since the Nogitsune died, since it was destroyed, wiped out, eradicated, whatever you wanna call it.

Three whole months since all that chaos ended, since his friends saved him, even though he didn’t deserve to be saved.

Stiles hasn’t been able to get a good night’s sleep since the whole thing started, anyway. And even now, when the whole thing is supposed to be over, he still can’t get himself to rest.

  
He closes his eyes, and he sees all the pain he inflicted, all the lives he took, all the misery he caused.

He closes his eyes, and he sees bodies all over the hospital. He sees the hurt in Scott’s eyes when he twists that katana in his stomach. He sees all life leave Allison’s body as she lays in her first love’s arms. He sees Lydia’s eyes widen in horror and hears that heart-wrenching scream as she calls for her best friend.

Everyone tells him it wasn’t his fault. That he was possessed, that it wasn’t really him, and they forgive him for everything. _“It was not you, Stiles. It’s okay.”_

And for a brief moment, he almost believes them. But he knows they don’t really mean it, and he wants to take a sword through his own body whenever his best friend flinches at his hand on his shoulder, or glances at Stiles still a little warily when he thinks he’s not looking.

Sometimes Stiles wakes up screaming. He still hears the Nogitsune’s voice in his head, and he fears it’s not really gone. That there’s still some bits and pieces left of it in his mind, just waiting for Stiles to drop his guard, so it can take over again any day now, and he’s terrified.

  
***

  
Still, he pretends he’s okay.

He gets back to his normal routines, goes to school, does his best to keep his grades up and makes sure his dad keeps to his diet.

Every now and then Stiles catches that worried look in his dad’s eyes. He pretends he doesn’t see it, and continues doing the dishes.

  
***

  
Derek is gone, so the Pack’s not really the same, either. They still have meetings sometimes, but Stiles has stopped going to them, and his friends have stopped asking.

  
***

  
Stiles looks at the clock. 3.27am. He gets up, puts on a hoodie and his sneakers and walks downstairs, careful not to wake his dad.

He takes the Jeep and drives to his and Scott’s favourite spot. The rock where they’d use to hang out all the time, sharing everything going on in their lives.

He doesn’t remember the last time he was able to look Scott in the eye.

He sits there for a while, looking at the woods opening up way down below, and he absent-mindedly wipes the tears from his eyes on his sleeve.

_“We’re going to kill all of them, one by one.”_

“Stop, just stop”, Stiles whispers and lets out a sob.

Stiles is scared and he hates himself and he hates the Nogitsune and momentarily he considers jumping, but he doesn’t. Instead, he gets up, goes back to his Jeep and drives home silently.

  
***

Three nights later Stiles wakes up screaming again. His dad is having a night shift, so Stiles doesn’t have to worry about him hearing.

He counts his fingers and takes a look at his alarm clock. 4.18am.

He tries to take deep breaths and he cries and breathes and he squeezes his pillow in his hands, trying desperately to get a grip on reality.

He feels like the Nogitsune is trying to take control of his body and he runs to the bathroom and barely reaches the toilet before he throws up.

He leans onto the seat, heaving, trying to catch his breath. He counts his fingers again, just in case, and wonders if his body is even really his.

Scott had told him about when he was separated from the Nogitsune, and he should be relieved they even managed to do that, but he feels like he’s in the wrong body, his real one was destroyed with the fox and this one just doesn’t feel right. His skin is too tight and his muscles won’t work properly and everything just feels wrongwrong _wrong_ and he suddenly finds himself crying again, his arms are stinging and there’s blood under his fingernails.

  
***

  
It’s been four months now, and he still hasn’t heard from Derek.

He misses him, he admits that. He misses him a lot. Derek was the only one Stiles could talk to after the whole ordeal, Derek listened and he understood and he made Stiles feel like maybe everything would be okay, even after everything he had done. He made him feel _safe_.

Stiles has never felt lonelier.

  
***

  
Dad has gone to sleep early, and Stiles is wide awake. He’s trying to distract himself with video games, but every enemy he kills just reminds him of what he did. He’s not sure why he’s even still playing.

  
Half an hour later he finds himself sitting at that rock again, looking down at the woods and trying to decide.He’s relatively sure the Nogitsune’s really gone, he acknowledges that it is probably a fact, Scott and Deaton and everyone, they know what they’re doing, right?

But then the voice is in his head again and he thinks, what if?

What if it somehow does come back and everything will go to shit again and Stiles can’t take that, and he sees his friends’ faces and hears Lydia’s scream and Allison is dead and there’s just pain and destruction everywhere and _why is there blood on his hands_ and he looks at himself in the mirror and he doesn’t even recognize himself, and he’s in the locker and he’s screaming and _why is no one letting him out letmeoutletmeoutLETMEOUT_ –

  
“Stiles!”

Stiles almost falls over when there’s suddenly a hand on his shoulder. He turns around and finds himself looking into those all too familiar blue eyes.

“Stiles.”

“What are you- “ He doesn’t even finish his sentence, Derek is here and he is looking at him with so much worry and concern and affection and Derek is _here_ and Stiles doesn’t realize he’s crying until Derek shushes him and pulls him against his chest. And Stiles suddenly doesn’t know how to stop and he’s just holding onto Derek’s shirt and sobbing and he was so _alone_ but he doesn’t have to be anymore because Derek is here and Stiles is not sure how to deal with this fact so he just cries while Derek holds him.

  
***  
  
“I think I might be going crazy.”

Derek looks at him and just nods. “Have you been sleeping at all?”

“Not really”, Stiles whispers and looks down.

“Nightmares?” He nods and bites his lip. Derek pulls him a little closer.

“I missed you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Stiles turns to take a proper look at the werewolf. His eyes are tired and he looks like he hasn’t shaved in a while, but he smiles at the boy, the smile he never gives to anyone else. The one reserved for Stiles only.

Stiles presses his lips against Derek’s, momentarily forgetting why he even drove here in the first place. The man returns the kiss, and Stiles doesn’t think about the dark fox, or all the pain he caused, or how trapped he felt in his own body when it was all happening.

All he can think of is the warmth spreading all over, the calmness in his mind, how there’s only the two of them and this moment and right now, he doesn’t need to worry about anything else. He smiles against Derek’s lips.

  
***  
  
That night, Derek holding him and watching over him, Stiles sleeps better than he has in a long time.


End file.
